When I first found out I was pregnant, I had SO many feelings, and most of them weren’t positive. I wrote all about that here, and since I really can’t stand to wallow for long, I started to take action. That meant pre-nesting.

I felt like such a selfish, naval-gazing asshole for being upset about a new baby—so many people struggle, they’re miracles, we wanted this eventually, etc. etc. etc.—and I knew that getting to a mental and emotional place where I was EXCITED about this huge change in our lives was going to be really important for me, and for all of us. It was okay to still have mixed emotions—to hold them all in my hand at once—the fear, the uncertainty, the joy, but I didn’t want the fear and the uncertainty to outweigh the joy. I had a lot of work to do building this baby and I wanted us all to feel good about the process, and I certainly didn’t want to make the people around me miserable while I figured out my feelings.

The truth, my truth, is pregnancy is hard no matter who you are and how well-equipped your body is to handle it. It’s hard in so many ways, and not just physically. I don’t particularly want to do it again, which added a whole other layer to all the feels I was feeling. And managing a toddler on top of it—it can be a lot.

I didn’t want her to feel left behind or that she was ever second place, but because this all feels a little like Groundhog’s Day and lots of ODP’s clothes would look cute on a girl, her life was already pretty set, gear-wise. I soon sat down to make a list of little things just for her—things that would be either feminine or special or unique, or all of those things. I paid close attention to the things my friends and favorite bloggers were buying for their baby girls. I decided to try some gear that didn’t exist when ODP joined us, like the Snoo (puhhhlease give us more sleep this time, Snoo!), a changing pad that tracks her weight (why not?), and hipster binkies.

It all felt so insignificant but deeply significant at the same time. It’s likely that I’m over-thinking things and I know she won’t know or care about all the details when she arrives, but curating little things just for her helped me feel like we created space for her that was hers, not just big bits from her brother’s.

My due date is a month from today. I’m still scared and anxious and never totally ready, but I truly can’t wait to meet this human who will undoubtedly stretch us and change us in all the best ways.